I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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