proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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