No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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