The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
