He kissed a someone with a penis
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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