Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize