I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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