haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
