so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
