ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize