When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I FOUND THE LEGS
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
