i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
