Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
