You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
