Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
