sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
