Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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