If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
