Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
