apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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