Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
