It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
