Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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