I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
