When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
