John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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