all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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