So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
