i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
