my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize