Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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