Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
