I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
