I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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