tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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