Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
