Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
