1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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