Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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