dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
