Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
