end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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