At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You're a waste of cheezeits
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize