Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
In America we eat man semen.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
