no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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