From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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