a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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