i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
