What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
