Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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