We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
