Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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