Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
