I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
