conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
