You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
