I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
