the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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