You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
