I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
